Saturday, May 15, 2010


In the years since Amanda died, I have come to a few conclusions about myself. There is one major conclusion that seems to override all others. My overwhelming fear of loss drives almost everything I do. It takes your ability to let someone into your heart fully. You are afraid to get close to those you should be able to be close to. For me, it rules everything I do. My circle consists only of those I trust. It is that plain and simple.

There are people in this world who do not have any idea what the loss of a child can do to you. And I do not wish this on anyone. The amazingly, monstrous hurt that no words can describe is a force that consumes you. It starts from the inside and works its way out. There is no peace from it, no reprieve. You are a mix of anger, sadness, deep depression, and loneliness. You have lost a significant part of you. In my case, my reason for getting up in the morning was gone. The other kids were able to take care of themselves in ways she could not. My job in life was no longer there. I suffered complete depression for the first two years after. I did not see a way out at the time. Since then some things have changed.

I now remember the good things about life with Amanda. The funny moments are the first things that come to mind. Meeting Georgie was one of them as I wrote before. There are many more like that I have fun remembering. I wake up and enjoy the days as they come, I don’t expect things to be perfect.
I find joy in my kids and grandkids. I love taking pictures and sharing them. There is one line I will not cross when it comes to my heart though.

I do not accept and care for people in life that I know will hurt me. I never used to be this way and I know I should be able to get past it, but it isn’t likely. When someone has the power to hurt me to my core by taking away someone I care about, I am not going to put myself out there. I have to protect myself and if I know that person will do it, I cannot get myself into that situation. I am aware that this sounds harsh, but it is only self preservation I seek.

There are people out there who choose to inflict hurt upon every one they can. I choose to stay away from the situation because I know it will never be a good one.


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