Saturday, June 28, 2008


Trust is a big word. It also has a big meaning. It encompasses a large group of different meanings to different people. To children, it means the inner circle of their lives. To younger people, it means "I've known you for a while and you've never done anything bad to me so I trust you". As we grow older, however, it becomes a very complicated word. It changes with life experience.

To abused children, it becomes a very muddled and complicated thing to figure out. (And, yes, I know what I'm talking about). You know the person who abused you, but generally speaking, the other people in your life know nothing about the abuse and don't understand certain changes in your personality. They don't know why you withdraw from some things and not others. As a child, you think others will be able to figure it out just by looking at you. Throw in the guilt aspect of it, and trust becomes a difficult thing to do. This just sets up the rest of their muddled life.

For some, it depends on their friends they've had. How did that person respond to a situation where you had an emotional upheaval? If they weren't supportive, you no longer trust your own emotions. You may think you are the one with all the problems. If they tell others of your feelings, you no longer feel you will be able to trust anyone as a friend again. That means you really don't have many friends if any. You can't let your gaurd down.

For others, trust in a romantic relationship is almost impossible. Most of us have had a relationship where the other person cheated on us. I don't know too many of us that haven't had that happen. (I realize that most people have no boundaries which makes them hurt the rest of us). Most people who have a real hard time trusting again are the ones who had a more emotional childhood upheaval. The lack of trust permeates the rest of our love life. Sometimes we figure it out, but most often not.

Learned behavior is also a huge portion of our trust. If we have a parent who always goes at life as though everyone is out to get them, we will have the same issues. We will not trust others to have our best interests at heart. We will always feel that our partners only have bad intentions in store. That can affect having a real conversation, because we won't really listen to what they have to say. That means we will never be truly close, because we won't truly know them.

Trust is a BIG deal. CWITGO

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Moving Forward

If you dwell on the past, you can never move forward. That is my philosphy. Everyone has gone or will go through something traumatic in their life. I went through the loss of a child. Others have been through abuse, a life-threatening illness (themselves or a loved one), or a serious accident. Whatever it may be, it is extremely difficult to get through. The thing that makes us better is how we deal with it. Do we sit back and say "Oh woe is me", or do we say "Okay, now that I went through this, it wasn't as bad as I thought and I'm still breathing"? I truly believe that if you take the second path, you will be much happier with your life. It doesn't matter if you struggle financially everyday. It is recognizing what you need for contentment that makes the difference. What is REALLY important to you?

I am often struck by the people who want to go over and over the events of the past. I am talking about those people who want to use that to make themselves feel better. Those are the ones who feel sorry for themselves 24/7 and don't really understand that they have an extremely negative effect on those around them. I knew someone who was like that. She had not had a very good childhood and then was diagnosed with MS in her 30's. She wasn't having serious symptoms yet. And before anyone says I'm being disrespectful to anyone with MS, remember I lost a child to cancer and have great empathy for people with chronic or terminal illnesses. The problem I had with her was that she had a very mild case of it for the first several years of diagnosis. In other words, she was not suffering anywhere close to some people I know with it. But you would think listening to her, she was in the mid to final stages of it. I found that quite offensive in that I know there are a lot more people out there in much worse pain and discomfort than she was at the time and she could never see past her own nose.

When we became friends, I had just lost my daughter and was in such a hole emotionally that I was almost numb. I didn't really feel much for a long time. That's when she pounced. I say that because she pursued the friendship. After about 2 years, I woke up from my depression and decided to return to the real world and be human again. She couldn't handle that. Every time we would have a talk about anything, she really didn't listen to me. I started realizing that she would start the conversation about me. It wouldn't be long before it turned to her. It was always that she had a bad day. This was every day. Without fail. The negativity permeated her whole being. This was her constant state of being. After we had a major falling out, we didn't talk for a couple of months. When we did, she kept trying to go back and talk about what went wrong. For normal people, that's actually healthy because you can see what needed to be addressed. For her, it was a way of turning it into my fault. I mean, it was never a real discussion, it was a way for her to say, she was wronged and someone else was responsible. I found out later that she was telling other people that I was not a very good person. It doesn't bother me because I know I'm not and I'm not in that hole of an emotional drain I was in.

This is what I mean by moving forward. If I had stayed in that frame of mind, I would have been a miserable human being that no one wanted to be around. I don't know how anyone can live that way. In my opinion, had I not gotten past the depression, I would have been disrespecting the memory of an awesome little girl. Instead of remembering the good, fun, and special moments of her life, I would have just remembered the worst part of her life. That just isn't right. Everyone should remember the reasons why you loved that person, not what took them from you. If you don't move forward, you won't enjoy those little things that actually make life worth living for. CWITGO

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

School's Out!

Today, I finished the first term of school. I'm doing the "New Age" kind of school. It's all online. After nearly 30 years of being out of school, online is a little more than I think I bargained for. Not being able to talk to an instructor in person is a bit overwhelming at times. Let's face it, I wasn't raised in the era of computers. My kids went to school and worked on computers. Part of their curriculum was a computer class! The closest I got to that was a typing class that was done on an electric. Not quite the same. I did survive though and I think that's all that counts. Of course, there are many more classes to go, so I should be really computer literate when I get done. Good luck to all those trying to do the same.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Again With The Spoiled Kids!

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think that their kids don't need rules. I almost always see the kids whose parents are divorced, the kids are moving from one house to the next every week, are the ones who feel they can order everyone else around. I often wonder if their sense of entitlement lets them down as they age. I mean, life isn't the easiest thing to survive. It is a series of disappointments. I'm not saying it isn't great. I think it is. Life is wonderful, but for those people who were given everything as children, it must be very hard. We know as they get older, they will here the word "no" on a regular basis. How do they deal with that? The ones I've known personally, have been miserable as adults. I don't see how they can appreciate the simple things in life if they expect the very best in terms of "things" or are always told "yes". Do they appreciate the smile they got from the checkout girl? Do they enjoy a really nice day? Do they feel true joy from watching their kids play in the sprinkler?

What do we owe our kids? I think we owe it to them to teach them failure. Without failure there is no sense of accomplishment when they succeed. There are no goals. There is nothing to work toward. There is no pride at having reached those goals. It is okay to fail. It is what we do with that failure that counts

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Since this my first blog, I thought I'd just give some of my background. So here it is, short and sweet. At 21, I got married and am still married to the same man. We have 4 children, one of whom we lost to cancer 4 1/2 years ago. Needless to say, life has been a series of ups and downs. During my adult life, I've observed many people and events and just thought I'd pass these along. Of course that means if you're reading this, you'll hear my opinion too. If you disagree, that's ok. Everyone's entitled.

I often wonder why some people think they have the right to be rude to others. Is there a sense of entitlement that gives that person the feeling they are superior? Is it that they do this to make themselves feel better? I am an avid supporter of the First Amendment so don't get the idea I agree with censureship. What I mean is, isn't there any sense of decency and just plain being nice to other people in them? This brings me to the next observation I have about people.

A friend of mine asked me if I thought people could really change. After some thought about that, I said no. I think that who you are as a child is who you'll be as an adult. I'm talking about the basic person. In other words, if you were the kid in school who made fun of others, you'll be the adult who is extremely critical of others. (He has a crazy girlfriend.) If you were the kid who sat on the sidelines, you will have a harder time in the confidence arena. You'll take more of a backseat instead of driving. If you are the kid who makes up stories to make yourself seem more important, you'll do the same as an adult. If you have a tough childhood, you'll be the adult who doesn't trust people.

I'm not saying this is the rule that can never be changed. I know people from all of these categories and not all of them continued the behavior as adults. They are the exceptions though. They are few and far between. What I am saying is that the vast majority of people carry these traits with them their entire lives. I do not have extremely close friends because of it. My mom is my best friend and my brother and his wife run a close second (so much so that it's kind of unfair to say they're second). I'll elaborate more on the supposed friends I've had over the years on later blogs.

Let me hear your take on people. I'm anxious to read them. Tell me how your life has brought to you this point in your life. Have you had "friends" that just tore you apart at a time when you needed support? I have. I'll share more later. cwitgo

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