Well, I kept thinking I would be in here before now. I just kept putting it off. Now I have nothing but time. I'll see if I can keep up now. Of course, with the way things are going for me right now, I have all kinds of time.
I recently got slapped in the face by the fact that I have several different medical issues that can be life-threatening. I have been told I am diabetic, have high cholesterol, and have high blood pressure. I am on meds for two of those. I'm only 47 years old. My dad's side has all of them with diabetes. On my mom's side there is massive heart disease. My grandfather died at 52 and my uncle, his son and my mom's brother, died at the age of 56. My mom had a heart attack at the age of 53 and a quintuple bypass at 63. Her sister also had a quadruple bypass in her late 50's.
To recap, this means that at a "young" age, I have been diagnosed with the two most deadly diseases. Nice, huh? It's a little disconcerting for it to be this way. I got the worst of both sides. Yee haw!
If that weren't enough, I was recently let go from my place of employment. That means no insurance and no income combined with health issues that I have to address or I die. I know that sounds harsh, but it you don't have the money to keep up with your health issues, choices have to be made. Because I'm not good enough to work at that place, I am now forced to figure out what is more important, food or medicine. I realize that I made mistakes, but letting me go didn't just affect my income and that is getting really hard to figure out.
Maybe tomorrow will feel better, but right now, it's really hard and I don't know what to do. I haven't felt this lost for a while and it's a little weird. The choices I look at are a little fuzzy right now. Let's hope they clear up.

I know, it's been a while. You know how life takes over and you forget to take care of yourself? That's been me for the last few months. I have been in school, working, and helping with the grandkids. All of that usually causes me to run out of time and feel very scrambled.
School has been awesome this term. I had a great instructor who actually gets my writing. I had not considered myself to be a writer and it hit me that I am. I may not be the best writer out there, but I am a writer. Of course, I told my brother (who has been the writer in the family), that even Pulitzer Prize winning authors have editors. I guess as long as I have an editor I'm good to go. LOL
I'm still looking for another job. I want something that will challenge me and that isn't happening at the moment. There really isn't much to choose from at the moment. Even this college town has had a lull in the hiring process. I just keep plugging along with it.
The rest of life these days consists of challenges though. My son is having a few issues we are trying to help him work out and I hope he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know we do. It is sometimes difficult to see the goal. You become so mired in the moment by moment events of the day, you don't see what's ahead. I know most people will say to take it one day at a time. I think there are times when you have to stop and take stock of the overall picture. Look at things as a whole and you will see how much better it is today instead of the way it was a month ago. If you can do that periodically, you can actually see the progress. The moral of the story kids is this: Remember to recognize the progress you make and you will begin to believe you can do it.
So much for my pep talk and I'll go for now, but keep looking. I plan to revisit some of the blogs I put on MySpace. I realized they still matter.

I have often heard the expression "think outside the box". Most of the time it refers to business management or advertising. Today, I realized that it applies to many more aspects of our lives. Most people live in a box. All they see are the four walls of their lives. There is nothing outside of that. They are not open to outsiders or new ideas. What they see is a box. There are no opportunities to be found because they can see all there is inside their box. They will not meet people who might deeply affect their lives because those people live outside the box.
As I watched the inauguration today, I came to a conclusion that hit me like a ton of bricks. Prejudice lives in a box. It does its very best to keep others out because it would upset the balance of the box. Prejudice is an insidious part of society that should never be allowed to expand and infect anything or anyone outside the box.
Outside the box is a wonderful world where there are no limitations. We can expand our knowledge and experiences without something holding us to the four walls of a box. I hope that after the events of today, America will live outside the box.

How many times have you thought you were losing your mind? I do every day. I recently started thinking about what all I try to balance. Work, personal life, school, family. Sometimes it gets a little wacky. I never seem to have enough time for anything. That isn't quite right though. I think it's just a perception I have. During this time, I have managed to paint my livng room, decorate for Christmas, and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I think that means most people have the perception they are just slammed to the wall and it may not be the correct assumption. Take time to enjoy the little things that every day brings. Not every thing, every day is bad.
Right now I'm trying to get through College Algebra. Now I keep hearing "Oooohhh" every time I tell someone I'm in that class. Does that tell you how hard it is to get any help with it? I think I'm one of those people that needs to sit in a class in order to get it. I did fairly well in high school when I took Algebra. I guess the years have worn away my brain cells. I think that's why I feel so stressed. I should take my own advice and enjoy the little things!

I have a friend who is always being goofy but always seems to know when he should call. I don't know how he does it, but we must be on the same wavelength most of the time. Since I decided to go back to school, I've had a fairly easy time of it, but the class that started today has me really freaked out. (Imagine not having been in school for almost 30 years and having to take an algebra class after all that time.) I've been rather uneasy about it. We email fairly regularly but not much on the phone. Yesterday he called. How great was that?

I was reminded yesterday that grief is a process. A friend of mine has been having a hard time lately with a lot of things in her life. I don't think most people really understand grief.

I lost my daughter, Amanda, to cancer almost 5 years ago. The overwhelming grief that followed nearly swallowed me whole. I went to bed for over a year. I really didn't have much in the way of emotional support during that time either. My brothers and my mom called regularly, but they don't live here. They are more than 400 miles away. There wasn't much they could do for me from that distance. So I was left with the people I lived with. That was my husband and my kids. My husband shut down and my kids were not responsible for my emotional well-being. So I fell in the hole.

One of the things I realized after I "recovered" was that during the worst of it, my judgment of others was seriously off. I became friends with someone who thought they could help me. At least, that's what she said. I didn't find this out until it was almost too late. My husband and I had separated and I had gone to my mom's to help her with her mom because G'ma was dying. Right before that, I moved into this person's house as I had nowhere else to go. My kids still lived here so I didn't want to move away. She resented the fact that I went to my mom's house and to G'ma's funeral. All of this pushed me farther down the hole. A few months later, I reconciled with my husband and left that house. Getting out of there was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Although that's been almost 3 years ago and I am much better, the grief is still just under the surface. I will be going along with life as I know it and I feel pretty good, but there are moments when the rush of emotion will get the better of me. Yesterday, the need to hide and cry was so overwhelming I almost felt as though it could swallow me. I don't know what set it off, I just know it was bad. I think this is normal for anyone who has experienced a major loss in their life.

For those of you who think I'm just talking about the loss of a child, I am not. It could be the loss of a best friend, spouse, or family member. Those losses can be very profound and I would never assume that the grief would be easier than I had it. I don't know everyone else's experiences in life so I can't say that.

What I can tell you is this. If you let the grief so overwhelm you that you can't see the way out of the hole, it will swallow you. What helped me was a simple thought that ran through my head one day. I realized that by keeping myself from living and experiencing life, I was doing a great disservice to Amanda. She was so full of life and love that I was negating what she gave us. She taught us to enjoy life no matter the circumstances and accept the little things as precious. I wish everyone could see and accept that.

I am really excited about the debate tonight. I am really hoping to see some sparks. The first debate was rather sedate (ha!ha!). This one should be good. Sen. Biden has been known to have some zingers and we'll see if he holds out on Gov. Palin. We'll also see if Gov. Palin can keep a solid train of thought. Don't get me wrong. No matter what happens in November, we will have a first for our country. Women have been on the VP ticket before but none were ever voted in. This year we will have either a woman in the white house or our first Afican American as president. How cool is that? It is awesome! I just can't wait. Make sure you tune in!